Define “Positive”

I’ve come to realize and accept that nothing I have to say about this is new, spectacular, or even all that special. What I have to say has been said. What I think has been thought. The only difference is, well, me.

I think we’ve all come to accept that we’re different, right? We have different skin tones, different eye shapes; like snowflakes, there are no two humans who are exactly alike. Even identical twins have differences.

I was reading this article that talks about how infertility kills your self-esteem. There are hundreds of pins about infertility, many of them addressing the fact that you feel like less of a human because of it. Our bodies were built to do certain things and when they don’t do those things, we feel broken, worthless, and like a waste of cells.

My favorite part of the article is where she says:

Fertility journeys aren’t for the faint of heart. They will rip you up and spit you out like you’re dirt. And in the next breath, they will ask you to smile because you’ll never get pregnant with a bad attitude.

I don’t know how many times I’ve had people tell me to “stay positive.” Thousands? Hundreds of thousands? There comes a time when being positive borders on insanity. It was Albert Einstein who defined insanity clearly enough for us to all understand it.

When does that change-over take place? When does being positive turn into insanity? How many IUIs do I have to go through? How many surgeries? How many doctors is this going to take? Do I really have to talk to another new one?

How many prayers? How many tears? How many hopes? How many years? I finally came up with a response for the next person who tells me to stay positive. “Define positive.”

Did you know that it’s possible to stay positive while being realistic? Being positive is more than an outward manifestation of fake happiness. Being positive is like having faith and hope. Do I believe it CAN happen? Of course I do. I’ve been pregnant three times – I know it CAN happen. I’ve also miscarried three times, at 8 weeks every time, so I know that can happen too.

Do I believe I could carry past 8 weeks? Sure I do.

Is it realistic? No (I’ll tell you why another time).

Does that make me sad? Of course.

Does being sad make me negative? No. They’re not the same thing. It does make me real. It means that I haven’t turned my “feelings valve” to “off.” That valve is still very much in the “on” position.

Think about this – would you know what happiness felt like if you didn’t know what sadness feels like? Would you know what it felt like to feel cold if you’d never felt warmth? There has to be an opposite. I do feel sadness. And then, when I get another nephew or niece, I feel happiness – the real kind that doesn’t come from a store.

Understand positivity AND be real. Embrace your feelings and learn to use them for good. There has to be some superhero reference here, right? Superwoman? Auntwoman? Somebody give me something…