5 Things I Don’t Know How Else To Say

For a while now, I’ve been feeling like it’s time to start talking about my experiences with infertility. Back in November I came across an article that really fueled my desire to start. It was called “5 Things Couples With Infertility in Your Ward Wish You Knew.” (For anyone reading this that might not be familiar with how the Mormon Church is organized into congregations, here’s a run-down.)

One of the results of posting the link was a conversation about ways to get to know each other without asking the questions those of us with infertility hate to try to answer. That conversation sparked these “5 Things We Wish You Would Understand.”

1. My infertility doesn’t define me. Like you, I enjoy Pinterest, walks on the beach, the sunset, music, crafting, learning new things, reading and lots of other stuff. I don’t like blueberries, rude drivers, or seeing roadkill when I’m driving. None of those things are dependent upon me having children. Those are all things about ME. Like you, I am an individual with likes and dislikes. Instead of asking me if I have kids, how about asking me what I like to do? Let’s get to know each other personally first. If I want to tell you about my kids (or lack thereof) I will.
2. Don’t make assumptions about my plight. Remember that when we pray, sometimes the answer is “No.” Just like your prayer for a new car, a new house, a better/different job has gone (seemingly) unanswered, so has my prayer for a child. Don’t assume I’m not praying hard enough, not doing enough, or not exercising enough faith. I assure you that there is no struggle in my life that has required more of all of those things than anything other struggle I’ve had to endure. We can ask all we want, but when the answer is no, the answer is no.
3. I can pretty much guarantee that every couple going through infertility HAS thought about adoption. It’s pretty expensive. It’s as expensive (sometimes more so) than IVF. I hate to put a price of the life of a child – their lives are priceless. If I could afford it, I would adopt all of the poor little babies all over the world who are never held and who never feel the love of a parent. I would also adopt all of the teenagers, with their siblings, who are just doing their best to survive. I feel like I have enough love to give for all of them… I just can’t afford it.
4. Just because I don’t have kids doesn’t mean I don’t like hearing about yours. Being a mother might be your favorite thing in the whole world. My favorite thing in the whole world (after being a wife) is being an aunt. I talk about my nieces and nephews all the time because it’s my favorite thing. You should talk about your favorite thing too. Truth be told, I actually enjoy hearing about your kids and their achievements. I like being invited to their plays, games and recitals too. I might get a little … emotional if you’re complaining about swollen ankles while you’re pregnant, but I understand that that’s my issue and it doesn’t mean that you have to stop talking about it. I don’t expect you to pretend like your kids don’t exist just because I don’t have any. That would be silly.
5. Heavenly Father loves me as much as he loves you. Giving us children, or not, does not mean that he trusts or loves either of us any more than the other. It only means that our purposes in this life are different. Your children may help you to feel of his love for you in a way I will never understand, and that’s wonderful – it really is. My lack of children helps me to feel of his love for me in a way you’ll never understand. While being a mother is a divine role, it doesn’t make me any less trusted, worthy or faithful for not being one.

I guess the bottom line is this: each of us is an individual with likes and dislikes, strengths and weaknesses. Let’s get to know each other on that level and learn ways to help each other through our struggles and trials. That’s what this life is for. We are capable of great things together – let’s go find them and become better, together.